Am lost and done for. I really don’t know where I went wrong with my daughter. God blessed me with two beautiful children: a male and female. Their father and I gave them the best. From nursery to university, they attended private schools.
I was in the banking sector before leaving to set up my own business to give me more time with my children. Their father works with an oil firm. Money was never a problem with us so our children didn’t lack anything. We always had trusted hands to care for them when I have to travel which doesn’t last beyond two weeks. I always ensure we have our family time during the weekend so as to catch up with whatever they were doing.
My husband and I are very religious. We are both pastors in our church and I have tried my best to ensure I instill the fear of God in their hearts. Despite my many faults as a mother, I’m not negligent, which is why I don’t know how to react to this huge problem my daughter is involved in.
She recently came back home after her youth service with her best friend and daughter of my own best friend. They have been friends since they were born. Since her parents relocated to the United States, she stays with us whenever they are on short holidays.
Three days ago, I heard both of them quarreling just as I came in from a party. At first I ignored them since it was normal for friends to go through that once in a while, but I got concerned when they continued to exchange words.
Just as I was making my way to their room, I heard my daughter’s friend threatening to tell me about her secret if she failed to drop her new found habit. She said she would never support her being a lesbian and cursed all those that introduced her to it. She mentioned the name of a friend of my daughter whose parents are our neighbours.
My daughter told her to mind her business and not to meddle in her life. That she enjoys her new sex freedom that comes with being in the company of another woman. She added, she no longer had to worry about getting pregnant and all the dangers that come with being with a man. It was at that point her friend slapped her and they got physical.
I was transfixed to the spot I was until the nanny came to stop the fight. The look on my face told both girls I heard every word they spoke.
My friend’s daughter wanted to leave that day but I immediately called the mother to assure her that she would continue to stay with us until her scheduled date of traveling. She didn’t want to, but had no choice but to stay.
In the spirit of true friendship, she insisted I heard wrong; that my daughter wasn’t lesbian and that they were fighting over a boy who was interested in both of them.
When I asked who the boy was, they mentioned two different names simultaneously. At that point, none of them said anything for obvious fear of complicating an already bad situation.
Just as I was getting frustrated at their refusal to talk my son walked into the room and told me how he caught his sister with the daughter of our neighbour in one of the rooms the day before and that they have been at it for a while. That, he and my friend’s daughter have done all they can to put an end to his sister’s madness.
At that point, my daughter told me to do my worst; that I and her father can disown her but she will never stop being who she is.
I don’t know how to handle this matter. Fortunately, my husband is away for a month, but I fear his reaction when he comes back to the news of his daughter’s sexuality. Not only will I be blamed for being a bad mother but he might disown her.
What do I do?
Dear Worried Mother,
There is no use blaming yourself over this. What is done is done. What you are doing won’t erase the choice she has made.
Painful as this is for you, you have to accept one fact that it is her life and not yours. No matter how much or hard we parents want to protect our children from harm, the will to do what is right, has to come from them. Trying to force them, to bend into our will, often drives them farther away from us. This has nothing to do with whether you are a good parent or not. It is the grace of God that makes the difference in life.
You must accept one basic fact: parenting in this contemporary world of advanced technology and supersonic devices that place the whole world and every imaginable information at the disposal of our children, isn’t easy. At the touch of a button, they get not just the information but the visuals of whatever catches their fancy.
Unless God intervenes to properly train a child; the efforts of parents may come to nothing. There is no way you could have taught your daughter to be a lesbian when you aren’t one yourself. This is a habit she developed from interactions with others in school.
Many a time, the school age is when children form their full habits- where they either decide to go on with what their parents taught them or opt for the freewill. If you look at it critically as well as dispassionately, we do same things to God when we decide to exercise our freewill, instead of sticking to His plans for us.
If your husband is holding you responsible for this choice of hers, it is because you are her mother and not because you failed in your duties to point her at the right direction.
It is normal for mothers to be blamed for the misbehavior of the children because we are the bedrock of the home, their first teachers, confidants and role models. It is therefore imperative for mothers to be held responsible once a child deviates from the norm or isn’t performing well.
Your best option isn’t to argue with your husband when he puts you on the hot seat. If trying to reason with him will complicate matters, just keep quiet until the storm blows over.
As for your daughter, call her in the dead of the night. Not to reprimand her. No, instead, it is so that you hear her side of the story and provide her an opportunity for the benefit of doubt. You are already in a very tight corner and if you elect to force the issue, she may leave the house for good: so fighting her at this stage will not produce any positive result. Sit her down instead, for a detailed discussion on why she decided make this choice. Point out every spiritual and social consequence of the choice she has made.
Without sounding condescending, be very factual with her. Let her know how her choice will affect the entire family and how it would affect your own dream of having grandchildren by her. Allow her time to chew on the concerns you have raised before having another meeting with her. Don’t ever give up on her.
Keep talking to her, because the opium of sex is something that takes time to wear off. Bear in mind, she has tasted it and likes the feel. Patience and prayers are what you need the most now.
Being a pastor, you should know there is no situation beyond God. Commit this issue into His hands. He has the powers to change your daughter’s mind. When issues become this knotty, He remains our best help.
A lot would also depend on how you present this matter to your husband. We women have been blessed with the special powers to influence the reactions of our husbands to various situations. If you play the victim in your daughter’s misbehaviour, you can be sure to get his sympathy and support which will put both of you on the same page of concern.
Beyond and above all of these, don’t worry. God will give you the enabling wisdom to get it all right.