I recently read one of your answers to a questions. I really need your help. My relationship is three years old. My boyfriend has been very good to me. He has made a lot of sacrifices for me just as I have also done for him.
I would have classified our relationship as being perfect but for his sexual fantasies. Ever since we started dating, he has been in the habit of gazing at the bodies of sex swingers online. He would stare at them and imagine himself with them. To please him, I have tried on some occasions to play along with him by playing the role of his object of fantasy. Sometimes I succeed in doing a good job but most of the time; I fail to live up to his particular fantasy. There are other times I absolutely refuse to play along with these ladies.
On such occasions, he gets angry and says things like he doing me a favour by not going the whole way with these ladies. That he is asking me to stand in because he doesn’t want to have online sex with the women. He also favours us having an audience when we make love as well as swapping of partners. We always quarrel over this.
He would go ahead to call me boring because I refuse to play his little sex games. Severally I have told him I’m not promiscuous and don’t relish doing the things he wants me to do.
It is one thing to talk about one’s fantasies but another thing to be hooked on it anytime we want to have sex. I don’t like having an audience when intimate with my man or being made love to by another man simply to satisfy my boyfriend’s ecstasy. I also cannot stand watching him make love to another woman. I want to be myself just as I expect him to be himself when we are alone.
Since meeting him, he remains the only man I want in my life. We have been arguing over this habit of his since we started dating. Due to the frequency of our arguments these days, he appears to be avoiding me. We haven’t had sex in the last two months. I’m scared he is having sex with other women.
He keeps accusing me of cheating on him when it is actually the other way round. I love him with my whole being and don’t know where he keeps getting the idea that I’m cheating on him from. He appears incapable of trusting me.
I don’t know what to do anymore. Right now, I’m confused on whether to continue in the relationship or end it as I can never be the kind of woman he wants me to be. Given his current attitude, do you think he is in another relationship?
Dear Worried Lover,
What is your definition of being good to you? What about respect for your person and sensitivity to your emotional needs? Why would a man who claims to love his woman subject her to the emotional trauma of seeing him in another woman’s company, or agree to have another man mount her in the name of satisfying his sexual fantasies? What manner of logic or attitude is that? How come he makes you appear incapable of pleasing him?
What manner of imagination would make a man turn his woman into a sex toy or strip her of that essential ingredient- respect? Do you think if he has any respect for you, he would insist you emulate all those detailed sex scenes every time he wants to make love to you?
A good relationship is an embodiment of every aspect of human emotions. Sacrifice is when one person lives in the body of the other person. It isn’t only about money but also avoiding those things that will cause the other person to feel less of him or herself. Making you do things you don’t feel comfortable with, is wrong and demeaning to your self-esteem as a woman.
You may love him dearly, but does he love you for who you are or for the sexual experiments he is forcing on you? When a man loves a woman he protects her from every appearance of things that would devalue her in the eyes of people. Insisting you witness his sexual escapades is degrading to your person.
The fact that you resent everything that has to do with his sexuality means you are not compatible in that department, which happens to be one of the major areas of a successful relationship as well as marriage. If he thinks you boring because you refuse to play his sex games, what chance do you think your relationship has against this background?
Deep down, is this the kind of love life you want or better still, the kind of life you plan for yourself? Do you enjoy being with him? Is his kind of behaviour alright with you? Are you proud of the feelings he generates inside of you after you two have made love? Do you see yourself enduring that feeling for a long time to come? Do you think you are and will always be sufficient to please him? These are questions you should answer truthfully to get a clear picture of what you really want from life.
Unless you are pretending not to like what he does to you, the time is now for you to really scale this relationship. Your ultimate happiness should be your bench mark. Sex is a very private thing between human adults. Only animals lack inhibitions about the place they mate. Even commercial sex workers, who make their living from sex, shroud it in secrecy.
When a seemingly responsible man exposes his woman to such show of shame simply to satisfy his fantasies, then something isn’t right about him.
Except you are happy with the situation between the two of you, the time to properly appraise exactly how you feel about this man is now. To allow it linger is to shortchange yourself of the opportunity to allow someone who actually appreciates your kind of person, into your life.
On the issue of whether he is seeing someone else, I wouldn’t know. However, I think you should first learn to love yourself more because without this, you will never be able to determine your self-worth or know the kind of man who will make you happy. It isn’t every man that comes your way who has that special ability to make you happy.
You are in this situation because you have failed to properly appraise yourself. When a woman is confident of herself, there are things she will not allow in her life. A man has to first love a woman for whom she is, before anything else. For this relationship to be meaningful to you, this man has to learn how to love you for yourself and not because you are a willing sex toy in his hands.
This is what should concern you more than the issue of whether he is having affairs with other women.