My marriage is just two months old. Already my husband and I are having a very huge challenge over our sex life. He wants oral sex but my pastor says it is forbidden. He even called my husband to counsel him over this matter which in the opinion of the pastor is satanic. He says it is against the expectation of God for His children.
All through the counsel in the pastor’s office, my husband didn’t say anything and I thought the matter was settled. Two days after we came back from the pastor’s and I wanted us to make love because it was my most fertile period, he told me he wasn’t in the mood that I should go and meet the pastor to find me a man who will make love to me. I thought he was joking but he appears determined because he has refused to have anything to do with me.
I tried discussing the subject with my elder sister whose husband is a pastor at MFM, she said it was ungodly and a very dirty habit I should not give in to. She urged me to fast and pray for my husband to come to his senses.
But the leader of the group I belong to in the church who is also a pastor, advised me to give in to the demands of my husband if I know what is good for me. According to him, it would be my fault if my husband begins to play the field at this early stage of our marriage.
I’m so confused. I don’t understand why he is bent on having oral sex when he has never demanded of it from me. We dated for more than a year before we got married and we were sexually active. I don’t know what has come over him.
Please help me Agatha.
Being married has provided you and your husband with a totally new platform to express your love for each other. The institution of marriage insulates your relation from what anyone would term dirty and sinful.
Within the framework of marriage, sex is one of God’s most wonderful gifts to mankind because it creates excitement and adventure for the couple to explore. It is a tool of recreation for the couple to keep their union intact.
Sex greases the wheel of refreshment in marriage as such, it paves the way for the body, soul and spirit to fuse into one entity, which helps the couple to bond and establish a union that is strong enough to weather any storm life throws up.
This is why you cannot afford to ignore what he is demanding. You don’t have to like it to accept it. A lot of things couples do in marriages are done out of a desire to keep their marriages intact. Marriage is a journey of give and take and of learning new things. He is your husband hence has a right to your body; just as you have a right to his. The Bible teaches obedience to one’s spouse and is also emphatic about never ever denying one’s spouse the right to one’s body.
It is wrong for any pastor to try to define your sex life with your husband. He cannot use his personal standards and attitude towards sex as being right. Nowhere does the Bible spell out restrictions for a married couple. Sex in marriage is a no-holds bared voyage, which means sex can be interpreted in any way and form in your home. If oral sex is what makes your husband happy, please give in. You may discover that you even like it better than your husband. Sex can be expressed in any part of the house to add excitement to the whole menu of being married.
Furthermore, your marriage is too tender to be infested with this kind of problem. You should still be in your honeymoon stage. Forget the fact that he never asked you for oral sex when you were both dating; now he wants it, so what? Shouldn’t you be more concerned and worried about the source of this new adventure than you not liking it? When a man begins to demand for new sex positions and experiments, a wise woman quickly gives in to suppress any outside interest. What you are doing now, by denying him is to unwittingly drive him into the arms of another woman who would not only give in to his desire but ensure he never gets tired of new tricks.
An adventurous man is one who likes to experiment with new ideas. Be glad, you are the one he wants these experiences with. A lot of married men would rather ask other women for it. Is that what you want?
From this early, understand this: your marriage and husband are unique. Comparing your husband and marriage to another person’s, will create more problems than solutions for you. When in severe doubt, ask God by reading your Bible to give you a very clear insight into His thoughts and ways.
In marriage, not all problems are spiritual or would be resolved through only fasting and prayers. When a man wants extra ice-cream on his sex life and the wife is refusing to give in and instead embraces fasting and prayers as a solution, she is only pushing him away from her. While prayers can stop a man from looking at another woman, the wife must be ready to play her role effectively and on all fronts to keep his interest in her.
There are many issues in marriage that require only practical solutions. Learn to discuss your fears, expectations, challenges, disappointment, confusions and all the other things that make you who you are with your husband. Pray always but never forget that effective communications with your spouse is integral to a very healthy and balanced relationship between the two of you.
All you need is to discuss your fears about oral sex with your husband, not to deny him out rightly.