I need your counsel. I entered into a relationship with this guy in 2011. For some inexplicable reasons, he broke up with me in 2013. Despite all my pleas, he did not tell me what I did wrong to deserve such treatment of me, he refused to say anything beyond insisting that we remain just friends. This really affected me, but I decided to respect his decision even though it was difficult for me not to have him in my life.
After prolonged silence, he started calling me once in a while; sometimes once in two or three months. Such calls always left me heartbroken but I kept my cool.
After my youth service in 2016, I relocated to Lagos where I met another guy who later proposed marriage to me. Through him, I got a job. I was happy and posted it on Facebook.
Since that post, my ex has taken to calling me consistently and even visiting my family despite telling him about the relationship with the new man in my life.
He insists he wants me back in his life and would do anything to have me back for keeps, irrespective of my commitment to my present boyfriend. On the other hand, my current boyfriend is also determined not to let go of me. What do I do?
Even though one cannot teach the heart who to love, the heart can be disciplined to be objective. Emotions aren’t taps that can be turned on and off at will. Love is life: premised on selfless sacrifices for the one the heart is in need of. It is patience, understanding, tolerance and honesty. It isn’t selfish or irrational. Love is also about wisdom and should never be clothed in a garment of foolishness. This is because its success is oiled by the dictates of reality. It also helps us to understand why love alone cannot sustain a relationship/marriage. It must be helped by other variables such as friendship, compatibility, loyalty and an endless series of sacrifices to make it whole.
Frankly every man or woman has the right to do whatever he or she feels with the emotions of another person but it is also the right of the other person to either accept to be ill-treated or to be treated rightly.
From your mail so many questions are begging for answers from the first man. Even though the ultimate decision is yours, it is wrong for him to want you back into his life without first giving you tangible explanations for his behaviour concerning what he did to you four years ago.
The fact that it took you some years to forget him underscores the depth of your love for him. If he didn’t think it proper to have at least left you with an explanations as to why he was ending the relationship back then, it is compulsory for him to offer that explanations now that he wants you back.
To want to force himself on you when you are now engaged to another man isn’t right. Even if you are single, coming back into your life should not be automatic. His attitude is arrogant; laced with undue confidence that he can always walk out and into your life at his convenience because you love him.
Yes, he might have felt suffocated by your love back then but, should have given you a reason for his decision instead of leaving you in the dark and cold. To be fair, your kind of love may have frightened him into ending the relationship because he wasn’t ready for the kind of commitment the quality of your feelings demanded of him. Men and women; who aren’t ready for the kind of serious commitment the feelings of their partners are transmitting, often take this option. That he decided to walk away isn’t the issue but that he did without the decency of explaining his decision to you. He should have been bold enough to face the responsibility of his actions. This is where he erred and is still getting the entire concept of honesty in a relationship wrong.
Relationship is too delicate to be handled so carelessly. If he hadn’t seen your post on the contributions of the other man to your life, would he have come back to you? Would he have insisted you walk out of your marriage if you were already married? His attitude is too assuming.
Honestly his posture isn’t fair to the other guy who has done nothing but to love and help you. He forfeited the right to come and go as he pleases, the day he turned his back on you. If he has any respect for you he should allow you to make your decision without pressures from him at all.
Be that as it may, the question really is, what do you want? The fact that we are discussing your ex, underscores your continued interest in him. Deep inside you, you are still interested in him. It is useless trying to deny that. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be confused or affected by his insistence on having you. The only way out of this issue, is to first accept the truth about your feelings for him. Once you do that it would be easy to confront and bury the ghost of your past.
Whatever you eventually decide to do, ensure it is the choice that would give you the most happiness. To get it right, use your head and not your heart. This is where prayer and fasting come in. You have to entrust God with your everything to be happy in the end.
It is also imperative you take a quick decision to prevent damage to your fiancé as well as relationship. If you procrastinate, his feelings may change from that of fighting for you to resentment at the way you are managing his feelings for you. This is why you have to take a quick decision so you don’t end up hurting this man that has stood by you.