I have been married for almost eight years now. I would be lying if I tell you I have been faithful to my wife. I have had flings here and there but always make it clear to the women that I’m not looking for relationship but a fling. I do this to avoid the tangle of emotional complications that might destroy my marriage.
Despite my best efforts at keeping these flings under wrap, my wife knows about them but pretends they don’t exist. She has never challenged me with what she knows.
The best way to describe our marriage is solemn, perhaps due to our different personalities. My wife is the type that is loud, craves attention and excited by social conversations. She doesn’t pay too much attention to make-up, mirrors and clothes like other women. On the other hand, I’m reserved and prefer company and environment that are intellectually stimulating. I take interest in my looks.
Going through my wife’s phone recently, I found out that my wife is in romantic communication – with another woman. I initially chose to ignore it as a no threat, but having watched a programme on DSTV where the commonness of ‘bi-curiosity’ and ‘bi-sexuality’ was highlighted, I confronted my wife. She claims her feelings for the other woman does not go beyond fantasy. I’m not convinced.
My confusion is to do with the after effect of her new sexuality on our relationship; does it mean she is more interested in women and just tolerating me? Our marriage is blessed with two children.
Dear Confused Man,
To get a clearer and fuller picture of your discovery, it is pertinent you ask her to come clean with you. The important question is: When did she start having these inclinations towards women? Did it just start or has she always had them but didn’t allow them to become dominant? If this is a new development with her, why now and what could have instigated the habit? Could your attitude towards the marriage be a possible reason for it?
For a woman who from your admission craves attention, how much attention are you giving her? What percentage of your time do you spend at home with her and the children? Importantly why do you think you must have these affairs? Whether you call them flings or affairs, the truth is you are hurting your wife and marriage by your careless associations with these women.
The fact that your wife knows about them is evidence that you have little or no regard for her person. One thing is for a man to be involved in extra marital affair, it is another story entirely for the man to make the affairs obvious to his wife.
In her shoes, how would you feel? Being a man doesn’t give you the right to be emotionally abusive of your wife. The worst injustice a man can do to his wife; is to flaunt his affairs to her knowledge.
You cannot come to this equity with soiled hands and fingers. If she is indeed developing interest in other women, hold yourself responsible.
The pains of your constant betrayal of your wedding vows as well as her exposure to gossips, mockery and sympathetic looks (both spurious and genuine) from neighbours and friends, could push her into doing what she never intended to do.
The fact that you keep going in and out of these flings means you really don’t care about her feelings or the well being of your home.
Quality time you could have invested in improving your relationship with her by getting to know her better, you invest in moving from one woman to the other. Deep down, how are these affairs helping to improve your relationship with your wife and family? Have they in anyway bridged whatever problem you have with your woman? What about the money that should have gone to your family? How many times have you had to hold back on giving them enough money simply because you have to entertain these other women in your life?
In more ways than one, you unwittingly created the woman she has become by the choices you made. No man can ever eat and have his cake. Whether she decided to date a man or woman is irrelevant here. What is important, is how you managed to destroy the foundation of your home.
It takes the two parties involved in a marriage to make it work. If her attitude is tepid towards you, it is because you haven’t given her a reason to be happy and ‘wild’ with you.
When a woman is repeatedly hurt by her husband, she is very capable of doing something that might really hurt and shock him into reality. Be thankful she isn’t the violent kind that takes the laws into her hands. You may not be alive to tell the story.
What you discovered maybe her way of getting your attention. She may not be really involved with anybody but deliberately allowed you access to her phone to make you realize she isn’t as accommodating of your excesses as you think. No woman would readily admit to her husband what she told you about her feelings for the other woman. Fantasy or no fantasy, the natural reaction of a woman is to deny what you read on her phone. That she did could be her way of inflicting the kind of emotional pains you have visited on her.
Having said this much, this issue is a clarion call to you that something is fundamentally wrong with your marriage. It is also a red light that, if nothing is done immediately to remedy the situation, your marriage which appears to be currently standing on very thin ice will sink. Therefore, there is need for both of you to dialogue before things get out of hand between the two of you. However, you have to first clear the way for a meaningful discuss by offering her unreserved apologies for your numerous affairs as well as the embarrassment caused her person by your attitude.
If you hope to achieve any positive result from this meeting, play down the issue of her new sexuality at least in the beginning of your discourse to avoid antagonizing her. If you say anything to put her on the defensive, she may become uncooperative. This isn’t the time for you to be angry or virtuous; rather it’s time to mend all broken walls in your marriage.
Appreciate her qualities as a wife and mother. Let her know how special she is to you and how much you like being married to her. She has to have a reason to reconsider what she plans to do. Encourage her to talk about her disappointment with you and the marriage as well as the way forward.
Both of you must desire to stay together more than you wish to be separated. It is the only way to set your marriage on the right path again. Importantly, you have to learn to bridle that huge libido of yours, if you really want your marriage to work. If she is happy in her marriage and with you, she wouldn’t have the desire to look elsewhere.