I’m an undergraduate in one of the state government-owned Universities in the South-West of the country. I’m in my 300 level.
I met one of my two girlfriends in the hostel while I was in my 100 level. She was in her 200 level. I didn’t allow that to deter me because I fell in love with her at first sight. But when I approached her she turned me down because she was already in a relationship.
Given her reason, I allowed her be and found someone else to love among my classmates. Along the line, my hostel mate broke up with her boyfriend and since l really liked her better than my girlfriend, I rekindled my interest in her and she accepted to be my girlfriend.
I dated both ladies concurrently and when I discovered that my classmate-girlfriend was a virgin I decided not to force her into sleeping with me since my hostel mate girlfriend was satisfying my sexual needs. But that didn’t stop me from trying at times to get my classmate girlfriend to sleep with me.
My feelings for my hostel-mate girlfriend grew deeper. My love for her grew deeper because of her friendly disposition and attitude. Despite knowing I was in another relationship, she didn’t give me any tough time.
While in my 300 level, I forcefully deflowered my classmate girlfriend. Contrary to what I expected, she wasn’t angry with me even though I knew she never wanted to go that far. But she is keeping her distance. Whenever we she sees me she behaves as if we were meeting for the first time. Despite her attitude, I don’t want to let go of her just as I don’t want to lose my hostel mate girlfriend because she’s always there when I need her. I tell anybody who cares to listen, she’s a wife material.
Please advise me on what to do. I don’t want to break any of their hearts. I love both of them.
Unless you are inclined towards polygamy, you just have to make a choice between the two ladies in your life. One way or the other hearts are meant to be broken and mended. The choices we make in life will always break someone’s heart whether we intend it or not.
In this instance however, it is unfortunate that one of these ladies will get hurt by the decision you will eventually make. This is because they are actually the victims here; especially the one you raped and robbed of her virginity. Even though you appear confused, deep down you already know the one you want to be with. From the tone of your letter, you favour your hostel-mate more than your classmate. If you are honest; the one you love the most has never been an issue with you. You love your hostel mate more because according to you she has all the qualities of a wife material.
However, the inherent male ego to conquer made you to continue to date your classmate, despite knowing that she isn’t the right woman for you. The experience of being her first lover made you continue keeping her until you eventually succeeded in forcing yourself on her. If you actually loved her, you would never have raped her. You would have been contented waiting for her until she was ready to give you herself willingly. You would have done everything to help her preserve the dignity of her womanhood. That is what a man who loves his woman does. To have violated her simply to get your way means you are lacking of respect not just for her but for women generally.
No man who values a woman would ever rape one. She may have her reasons for not getting angry with you for dishonouring her person, but looking at her reaction each time she sees you should tell you she isn’t happy with what you did to her. No woman likes to be raped.
You didn’t only betray her confidence but took away her right of choice leaving her with not too pleasant memories of that important moment of every woman’s life. There is no time she sees you; she will not remember the offence you committed against her. No matter how you try to rationalize what you did to her, you were selfish and self-serving to have done that to her. No woman forgets that kind of experience for life. Even if you two end up together, a certain part of her will never trust you completely.
Guilt at what you did to her is the reason you think you are in love with her. If you ever loved her, you would never have forced yourself on her.
Sincerely, your biggest mistake would be to assume all is well between the two of you. Talking about love without first asking for her forgiveness is putting the cart before the horse. Go and really beg her to forgive your indiscretion. Ensure she really forgives you to ensure your happiness later in life. This is because the things we think are unimportant are the very issues that become our albatross in future. A woman’s virginity is a highly spiritual thing which no man should take by force.
For the time being, you should concentrate more efforts on passing your final examinations. You are getting to the critical stage in your education when you need to focus more on the essence of your presence in that school instead of the issue of women. Trust me, there is plenty of time to concentrate your efforts on the right woman for you.