I’m 33 years of age and currently pursuing a master’s programme. I have never been lucky when it comes to relationships.
I actually thought my current relationship would be different from the others in that we have been together for quite a while. I started dating him the month I finished my first degree, about four years ago. He broke up with me last year for reasons best known to him and came back nine months after a total lack of communications, to beg for the continuation of our relationship.
Despite his behaviour, I decided to go back to him because no relationship was perfect. Ours certainly wasn’t, given the many challenges we experienced before he broke up with me.
I realized my love for him after he came back into my life. When I went back for my Master’s programme and had no accommodation in the hostel due to late registration, I didn’t think twice moving in with him at his apartment.
Maybe that was a big mistake because many things started to happen between us. We would quarrel and not talk to each other for days; refusing to eat together as well as ignoring completely the existence of each other.
This got me thinking and I realized that just like before, he never apologizes for his mistakes. I have always been the one trying to mend the relationship, even when he is clearly at fault.
While still pondering on this aspect of our relationship, he came about two days ago to wish me luck in my next relationship.
According to him, he has come to the conclusion that we were not meant to be.
It really hurts because all I wanted was a little bit of seriousness and commitment from him. I had envisaged a situation where we would exchange visits to each other’s family after four years of dating. Instead, he is blaming me for everything that is wrong in our relationship. I feel so sorry for myself and don’t know what to do anymore.
Another thing that constantly baffles me about our relationship has to do with his usual response to queries from his family and friends on his wedding plans. Irrespective of my presence, he would tell them he hasn’t made up his mind as he is trying to be careful not to make a mistake in his choice of a partner. This has always raised within me the question of whether he is seeing someone else. I also keep wondering if he sees me as a mistake in his life.
Agatha, even though I feel he doesn’t love or value me, I still feel bad he is sending me out of his life. Why do I feel this way, given all the hurtful things he has done to me?
You feel bad despite all he has done to you because you love him. Unfortunately, your love isn’t enough to hold him back from pursuing his own dreams.
No matter how hard you try to hold on to him, as long as he is yet to make up his mind on whether he wants you enough to keep you in his life, you will never experience the perfection you seek in a relationship with him.
All you will ever get from him are these painful memories you are currently experiencing with him. The best thing is to allow him be, at least for now; until he is convinced you are the woman for him.
Evidently, there are vital aspects of your relationship that are giving him second thoughts on its viability. Truthfully, if a relationship is constantly plagued by challenges that appear irresolvable, wisdom calls for caution, especially as it has to do with marriage. Only a careless person would contemplate marriage with so many confusing questions unanswered.
Love alone doesn’t sustain a marriage. Once the environment is bedeviled with a lot of negative vibes, love, more often than not, takes flight.
The precise reason you have to subject your relationship to the magnifying lens of the periscope with a view to seeing the defects in it. To get the right answers, you must be objective. Begin the examination from yourself and learn to be truthful. You cannot navigate a relationship out of the brink of collapse if you think you are the only one making all the sacrifices. Yes, your boyfriend may not have the attitude of apologizing for his mistakes, what about you?
Are you the kind of woman who is submissive and patient? Do you know how to bring out the best in him? To be frank, most men are like him; they hate to apologize because they think it is demeaning to their ego. A wise woman would not insist on it but look for other ways of giving her man a soft landing to act out his remorse. The important thing to a wise woman isn’t whether her man says it but how he goes about communicating his apologies. A woman desirous of keeping her home intact must always avoid putting undue pressures on her husband especially in matters that have direct impact on his ego as a man.
The question is, how have you managed his ego? A lot of time, we women pretend we are not affected by a particular behaviour of our men, when in actual fact we are hurting badly from it. Rather than think of solutions that will not compromise our peace at home, we tend to become hostile and aggressive, unwittingly further aggravating the problem.
You should have either discussed your observations with him or found ways of making him admit his wrong without him losing face. For instance a very good dish of his favorite meal could be all you need to soften him up to apologize. For a good relationship to ensue, the woman must be ready to be submissive. Being submissive isn’t an act of weakness as modern women seem to think; rather it is an act of strength and premium wisdom in an era when relationships and marriages are falling like packs of cards.
There is a chance that you can still salvage the situation between the two of you, if you look past his mistakes and focus more on curing your own inadequacies as a woman and human being. The school of relationship isn’t one enabled by paper qualifications, but acceptance of the God given roles of the genders. The man has been given the role of the head, while the woman is to be his helper.
Even if he is considering you, he must be convinced you have what it takes to put up with his excesses as his wife and best friend.
You could ask for a trial period to enable both of you work things out.