I’m so happy to reconnect with you on this platform having been an ardent reader of your column from Daily Independent.
Like all the others who have benefited from your counsels, I want to share my own problem with you. There is this guy I have been dating for some months now; I have loved him even before he asked me out. However, he smokes and is very jealous. I won’t pretend not to know about his smoking habit when I met and agreed to be his girlfriend but certainly not about his jealousy. Although he has tried to cut back on the number of cigarettes he smokes per day, but it’s still a problem with me because I want him to stop completely.
But the reason I want help from you has to do with his excessive jealousy. He recently went through my chats with some of my contacts on the phone. He came across my chat with a guy I recently met. There is nothing between us as we are just platonic friends. In the chat, we exchanged stories about our lives and that is just the honest truth; nothing romantic.
To my dismay and surprise, he locked the door, removed his belt and was about to beat me. I had to quickly go on my knees to beg him until he calmed down.
Even recalling the incident now, gives me goose pimples. I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do. Should we end up getting married, would he not beat me when he is upset with me?
But despite these flaws, I love him because he has the qualities I have always wanted in a man which my ex lacked.
Kindly guide me on what to do.
Dear Anxious Girlfriend,
For how long will your love last against constant pummeling of your person? How far will your love go when you are denied the freedom of association?
A relationship has many segments and each of these departments has to be harmonized with the others for a happy relationship to ensue: especially one being groomed for marriage. Such a relationship has to be well synchronized to avoid regrets later in life. You must be clear on what you want from life and marriage to enable you make the right choice of that man that will help you realize your full potentials in life. A wrong choice of a partner can completely derail your plans in life.
Marriage is all about reality. It is a journey of sanity and realistic choices; to do otherwise is to lay a foundation of pains and sorrow for oneself. How long can your self-esteem last in a union where the man is constantly beating you over an issue other men would either ignore or discuss with their wives?
Deep inside of you, do you think your love for such a man would last? Unless of course you belong to the school of women who enjoy being battered and humiliated by their men and who get their aphrodisiac through such physical torture, you just have to thread carefully with this boyfriend of yours.
When a man is too jealous to the point of violence, there is no telling what he is capable of doing, just like a jealous woman is capable of killing her husband when in fury. Every aspect of a person’s life can be structured with love and tolerance but not so with one who is violent. Unless God Himself walks through such person, it is a habit that is difficult to manage by the partner who is at the receiving end of the violent temper.
Constant beating of a woman by her husband reduces such a woman to nothing before neighbours and friends; especially the unkind and gossipy types.
Also, the children of such parents in addition to being exposed to the ridicule of the society grow to be wife beaters or men haters. Your boyfriend is the way he is, probably because he experienced his father or guardian beating his mother/aunty as a child.
Being jealous isn’t an excuse to be violent. A lot of men are jealous of their territories, but they don’t resort to violence because they respect and love their women too much to humiliate her in such a way. A responsible man is one who walks away from volatile situations to regain his equilibrium before confronting the problem.
Your man is using jealousy as an excuse for his behaviour because he is yet to get to the point of self-control. Rather than work on his temper, he is lashing out on you in order to control you. Is this the kind of relationship you really want?
Yes, he may have the kinds of physical qualities you think you want in a man but when it comes to the essentials, the things that would make your relationship happier with him; he doesn’t appear to have them.
Only a woman who is alive can celebrate herself in a relationship.
Given your experience on the day he made the attempt to beat you, do you think you liked that side of him? Do you think you have the heart to cope with that kind of scene each time he thinks you have stepped out of line, or worst still, live with a man who treats you like a child that has to be whipped into line?
Some issues are better imagined than experienced. You came close to experiencing violence in a relationship. Can you do this for life?
If you are honest and objective, you will know what to do but if you allow emotions to govern your eventual choice, you would have nobody to blame but yourself as events unfold. Most of the time, God gives explicit signs to warn against certain decisions we are about to make. If ignored, it would no longer be that God didn’t forewarn us, but that, we were adamant to listen to Him.
Allow the spirit of God to properly guide you on this one, to avoid excruciating regrets later in life.