I’m a dedicated reader of your column. Please, kindly help me out as I tend to fall in love easily.
Unfortunately, this habit of mine has caused me severe emotional problems.
There is this lady I met in my place of work. We started out as friends because of the issues she was having with her education and family. While in her second year at the University, she couldn’t continue with her education due to the divorce of her parents.
I decided to take her to see my Rev. Father when I saw how affected she was by her experience, particularly her failure to complete her education.
The idea was to get the Rev. Father to speak with her parents on how she can complete her education. Unfortunately, the parents were so caught up in their own bitterness that they didn’t even consider her interest. Expectedly, she went further into depression, making it impossible for me to ignore her.
This set the stage for our relationship to develop as we became very close. No day passes by without us either talking on the phone or exchanging visits.
It wasn’t too difficult for her boyfriend to become aware of our fondness for each other. He eventually called me to terminate my association with his girlfriend. Frankly, his warnings didn’t frighten or deter me from pursuing my interest in her. All he succeeded in doing; was to make me bolder to express my feelings for her. After listening to me, she pleaded for time to consider my offer. More than a year now, she hasn’t given me a clear answer, but from her body language and disposition, we could be said to be in a relationship.
Last year, she traveled out of my locality because her boyfriend was really apprehensive over losing her to me. She said she took the decision to leave, because she didn’t want to lose either of us. She went further to say she was already in love with both of us but since none of us appears ready to let go of her, she wants to stay away for the time being.
Although I’m trying to let go of her but I simply can’t. I love her. I tried to know what was so special about the guy, what he has that I don’t have, her answer floored me. According to her, he deflowered her. Please, what do I do, since she is my last hope?
Dear Worried Man,
What makes her your last hope? You may really love her but she is in an existing relationship with another man! Deep down in your soul, do you think it fair to put all these pressures on her, given the challenges you know she is going through with her parents and education?
What she needs is a friend who will help her manage this difficult time in her life, not one that will further aggravate her stress level.
Besides, she is in a relationship already. Why are you determined to make her end the relationship she has with the other man? In the man’s shoes, would you be happy at what you are trying to do to him? What you are trying to do to him is very wrong. He doesn’t deserve it at all. You came into this girl’s life as a friend and if somewhere along the line you developed feelings for her, you should have behaved like a gentleman by keeping your distance from her to protect her against emotional complications. One of the hallmarks of being an adult is the ability to exercise restraint at all times.
Being in love with her doesn’t give you the right to hurt this other man or destroy their relationship. You may argue that she is still free game considering they aren’t married. But, the truth is, she has a boyfriend and their relationship might graduate into marriage. If you love her, don’t do anything that will make her unhappy or further pressurize her.
As you can deduce from her reactions, she is already under pressure from you and is actually confused right now. Yes, she may have feelings for you; it does happen when a man and woman are in constant company of each other but this feeling may not be enough reasons for her to exit her current relationship.
Allow her the space she is asking for by her decision to relocate to a place she can be alone. She actually needs to clear her head and think of her options. Also, don’t forget the issue of her interrupted education is still unresolved. She may also want to think of how she can re-engineer her dream of completing her education.
If you really love her, respect her decision by offering her your support through prayers. If your relationship is meant to be, God shall make a way for both of you. The truth is, you risk destroying whatever chance you may have with her if you keep pestering her to submit to your love. Soon she may become very irritated by your presence and would make it impossible for you to remain her friend.
I think what you should really concentrate more on now, is to find ways of remaining the good friend she currently needs the most.