He is an unrepentant Casanova

He is an unrepentant Casanova

Dear Agatha,

My marriage will be eight years old in August. Although the marriage is blessed with three boys, I cannot say I have enjoyed being married to my husband. He changes women like a woman changes her under-wears. I have lost counts of the many women who have shared my husband’s bed with me and the times I have gone to treat myself for STDs passed on to me by him.

Though I knew from the very beginning of our relationship that my husband will not always be the faithful type, what I didn’t bargain for is the reality that I will always share him with every woman he likes.

Because of his uncontrolled libido, I have stopped my friends and female siblings from coming to our house. I have not only caught him with my sister but also procured an abortion for her to protect my home and family name.

His latest conquest is the younger wife of our landlord. She lives alone in the flat besides ours. Her husband comes from time to time to visit her. From what I heard, she was the wife of one of his workers in Osun state, before he saw and married her. He doesn’t want anyone to know hence his decision to keep her in Lagos in one of his houses.

I don’t know how she and my husband started but I noticed that my husband who never stays at home or come back from work early, suddenly started to. Not only did he take to coming early but also staying at home during weekends too. I didn’t notice until the elderly woman who helps around the house pointed me to it because of my preoccupation with my business.

Knowing my husband well enough to read him like a book; I knew something was amiss. My first concern was his job but when he assured me he still had his job, I knew it had to be a woman. All the tell-tale signs were there. He would vanish for a long time and reappear several hours later. Since his car was always parked in the compound, I knew his latest catch was within the neighbourhood. Before, I would trail him but I have since stopped doing that after suffering so many disgraces from his countless women. These days, I simply ignore him to protect my sanity after suffering from a high blood pressure that almost resulted in stroke.

I don’t know why I went out that particular night to get something from my shop which was not too far from the house. It wasn’t something I couldn’t do without but I had this burning urge to go out. Just as I was about opening the door to our flat, my husband came out of the landlord’s wife’s apartment. She had only a wrapper tied over her chest while my husband had his arms around her waist.

She quickly pushed him away when she saw me while my husband didn’t betray any emotion. He walked into our apartment while the woman quickly locked her door.

I just stood there crying like I have never done before. I can’t say for how long I stood at the outside of my door crying, but the gentle hands of the house-help assisted me inside.

Even as I write you, my mind is numb. I don’t know what to do anymore. I have done everything to make him change and keep my home but this is too much for me.

I feel like reporting the lady to her husband so she knows how it feels to be betrayed and hurt by one’s spouse. I’m fed up completely with this marriage. The humiliation is just too much for me. What makes it so painful is his attitude when caught. He simply moves on without the decency to apologise. His mother says he inherited the trait from his father who is living with his 10th wife. There is no mountain I have not gone to, no fasting I have not done or prayer I have not said; nothing appears to be working.

I have lost my buoyance as a beautiful and happy woman. I look older than my age because of my situation at home. I’m so helpless because this isn’t the kind of life I envisaged in my marriage.

Sad wife.

Dear Sad Wife,

I sincerely empathize with your situation because no matter how much a woman wants her marriage to succeed, there is a point she gets to when nothing else would matter but finding her own happiness.

Perhaps you have gotten to a point where you have to consider your own happiness. You can only be a good mother and an understanding wife if you are healthy and happy. Frankly, something has to give way for you to achieve happiness as a person because without you being happy, you can never be an efficient mother to your children. Besides, the children are growing and would soon come to know the nature of their father. It would be a great disservice to another woman for any of your sons to take after their father. It is more for the sakes of your children you should put an end to what is appearing to be a foundational problem among the men in your husband’s family. If his father is married to his 10th wife and your husband appears indifferent to the negative effects of his lifestyle on your image, it won’t be long before your sons begin to think it is the norm among married men.

The after effect of an irresponsible parent on a child is profound. Many problems and habits, children manifest in life, are mostly gotten from exposure to what they saw their parents doing. Your husband, from his mother’s description of his father, obviously got his nature from his father. It is either you accept this fact by resigning to fate or find ways to make him change for good.

Marriage isn’t meant by God to be endured; He gave us that institution to be enjoyed in peace, joy and harmony with our spouses.

Stop playing the victim. Let your husband know that you can no longer tolerate his emotional maltreatment of you. You may have to confront him with the consequences of his actions by demanding for a meeting with him. Given the fact that you have always allowed him to go without showing remorse, asking for a meeting to sort out the problem in the marriage may initially throw him off guard and make him determined to resist, but if he knows you mean business, he would listen.

Even though you are hurt, pained and extremely upset, don’t allow your emotions get the better of you. Resist anger and focus on the subject of your discuss by chronicling the many times his excess likeness for women have hurt, embarrassed and humiliated you in the eyes of everybody. Let him know you can no longer cope as it is already affecting your health. Also make it clear that while you are willing to continue with him, he also has to learn to accord your respect for things to work out between the two of you or you may be forced to consider the option of leaving him and taking your children with you.

Listen to what he has to say. Listen more to what he isn’t saying than what he is saying. This is where you need wisdom from above. At times our prayers for our husbands don’t work because they are resisting our interventions in their lives. Ask God to help you discern him properly to enable you know what to do. Chances are he may not even realize what he is doing, because the forces controlling him are more powerful than he is. This is because no matter how arrogant a man is, he will always apologise to his wife when caught pants down with another woman. That he refuses to, underscores the presence of a force beyond his comprehension.

If you are able to get him to open up to you, you would have scored a major point over the forces that don’t want him to have a stable marital life.

This is why I said you should stop playing the victim and confront this issue once and for all. This talk is to help point you at the areas you need to focus on in your prayers. Many a time, we pray amiss but when you know how to premise your prayer, you get better and faster results.

It is also intended to set your children free of any inherited problem from their father’s lineage.

Don’t be deceived by any woman who tells you her marriage is perfect; it is just the scale of problems we are called to bear that is different. The fact that you knew about your husband’s habit when you agreed to marry him shows your understanding of the kind of crisis you were going into.

With knowledge comes power. Honestly, you don’t have business with any of these women in his life. It is your husband you should find ways of helping to fight the forces holding him hostage. Once you are able to do that, you would not only be saving your marriage but helping your sons to have meaningful relationships in life.

Good luck

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