I met my boyfriend, a final year student, in January when I gained admission into school.
He appeared kind, caring and good when we started dating. Unfortunately, after we slept together, I discovered his duplicity. There was another girl in his life. I didn’t know about her because she isn’t a student of our school.
Although I was hurt when I found out about her, I nevertheless, decided to continue in the relationship. Initially it was okay, we were considered an item in and around the school.
But after our first semester examinations, things changed between us. Though still intimate, he stopped craving for my company and would rather be in the company of other girls. I didn’t really mind because I knew many of them to be his friends. But I had my suspicions concerning one of them.
For my peace of mind and the good of my reason for being in school, I didn’t allow that to bother me. After the examinations, we went home for the holidays. We agreed to be back on the same day but I couldn’t make it on that day due to circumstances beyond my control.
But I made it back the following morning and went straight to his room where I met the lady I had been suspecting to be his girlfriend.
He came later to see me and we ended up in bed. Thereafter, he informed me of his desire to pass the night at his friend’s. Knowing it was just an excuse to have the other lady sleep over at his place, I refused. I insisted I was going to spend the night in his room. I don’t know how he did it but the other lady had to leave that night.
To my surprise the lady returned in the morning and stayed till night. I simply couldn’t tolerate the situation anymore so I told him to let me be from that point. For two days, he kept away but came back on the third day to beg for my forgiveness and reaffirm his love for me. He promised he was going to fix everything. In fairness to him, he tried but I’m still hurting from the whole experience.
That was a week ago. Two days ago, while he was asleep, I went through his phone for the first time since he was fond of going through my phone wherever he has the opportunity. As I scrolled through, I saw a contact registered as, “me love”. It was not my number. I also discovered it wasn’t his first girlfriend’s for that matter. I couldn’t sleep all through the night as I kept wondering who I am to him.
I really feel like letting him go but I love him so much.
It is funny because if anyone had told me I would take any relationship this serious I would have called the person a joker. But as it is, the joke is on me. I don’t know what to do. I wish I could break up and move on. Please help me.
Dear Depressed Girl,
What is stopping you from discontinuing the relationship? Do you enjoy going through the kinds of emotions you are going through? Do you feel comfortable with the knowledge that he is only using you for the sex he is getting from you- more or less like you are part of his sexual bouquet?
From your story, this boy isn’t ready to be serious with any of you. He is with you because he is getting what he wants from you. You may be in love with him but he isn’t in love with you. In addition, there is a thin line between love and infatuation.
You are allowing him get away with abusing you emotionally because you appear to have convinced yourself you are in love with him. Being in love doesn’t make one stupid. Love is all about respect and responsibility. Whereas, infatuation blinds one to reason as a result of its suffocating passion, love on the other hand is liberal and rooted in concern for the other party’s feelings.
Therefore, to continue to expose yourself to this emotional torture, is not worth it. When you love someone or thing too much, let it go. If the person or thing comes back, then it was yours in the first place.
A love you are clearly afraid to give freedom to, will never really be yours. The truth is, you will always share this boy with other women until he gets tired of playing the field. It isn’t something you can make him do. Rather, it is a choice he has to make of his own freewill. Without that desire to change, none of the many women, you inclusive, can force him to do anything. He will always use the weapon of sex to get all of you to do what he wants.
Furthermore, you really don’t have the right to complain, given the fact that he is also cheating on another woman by being with you. Even though you didn’t know about the presence of the other lady when you agreed to be his girlfriend, by agreeing to continue in the relationship after you found out, puts you in the same category as the other girls who, despite knowing he is dating you still desire to spend time with him.
Truth be told; as long as he is still in a relationship with his first girlfriend, you cannot make him stop seeing other girls since he isn’t exclusively yours in the first place. He who comes to equity must learn to come with clean hands. Only his first girlfriend has the right to feel hurt and force him to a decision, not you.
Also, for a man to be serious enough to want a girl for keeps, she has to demonstrate a certain sense of moral value as well as self-esteem. If you are willing to jump into bed with him at the slightest opportunity, why would he want to get overtly serious with you? As it is, he has decoded everything he has to know about you and as such can afford to take you for granted.
For now, make the reason for being in school your major concern. Bench your romantic feelings for now to enable you stay focused on your studies. Don’t throw away your life and future over a man who is clearly enjoying himself at your expense. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against you having a relationship but it has to be one that is positive; not this kind that is creating emotional problems that might affect your general academic performance at the end of the day.
You are too young to be so negatively affected by a relationship.
Give him his freedom to do as he desires. If he comes back to you, then you know he is yours to keep.